This year-end, I’ll be different from all the other health & fitness sites out there who will put up the usual annual tips to help get through the holidays without gaining unnecessary pounds. Every magazine cover you catch a glimpse of at the bookstores mentions a ’special holiday eating plan’, etc.
They all ask you to go easy on desserts, to fill up on healthy snacks before the celebration dinners, to eliminate second helpings, and so on. So, to differentiate myself from the rest this year, I have my own list of tips for holiday eating, which I sort of compiled from a forwarded email sent to me by a friend. I assure you, if you follow these mouth watering tips, you’ll be fat and happy.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes - you can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies? Apple? Pumpkin? Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards!
10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over.
And remember: One really good belch after getting stuffed will allow you to have an extra slice of cake/dessert.
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December 27th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Haha you’re absolutely right, even though lots of magz tried to ‘avoid’ fat… it’s simply irresistible.. Well I guess next month would be the pay off time..
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Hey there ..
Some i didn’t expect, had a good laugh… Yeah, tis the month to work it off before CNY hits again ;)
HAPPY NEW YEAR all!
January 8th, 2008 at 4:25 am
[…] Eating Tips for the Holidays - with a twist - Daily Muscle - This is another great health blog. I cannot believe I missed this post during the holidays. But the information still rings true today or even next year. (After you read it, you’ll understand exactly how sarcastic I’m being. I laughed my butt off.) […]